The Capacity to Be Honest

The more I study Chapter 5, How It Works, the more I realize that honesty is much deeper than simply telling the truth.

When I first came into the rooms, I thought I was honest because I wasn't lying about everything.

I showed up.
I smiled.
I was polite.
I looked put together.

From the outside, I probably looked fine.

But I was carrying a lifetime of secrets.

And secrets are not honesty.

I wasn't telling people about the abuse.

I wasn't talking about the shame.

I wasn't talking about the fear.

I wasn't talking about the loneliness.

I wasn't talking about the drinking that happened behind closed doors.

I wasn't talking about the anger I carried.

I wasn't talking about the resentment.

I wasn't talking about how broken I felt inside.

I came in looking cute and nice.

But I was not being fully honest.

Not because I was a bad person.

Not because I wanted to deceive anyone.

I simply did not yet have the capacity to be honest.

That statement used to confuse me.

How could I not have the capacity to be honest?

Because alcoholism isn't just a drinking problem.

It's a thinking problem.

A fear problem.

A shame problem.

A spiritual problem.

Many of us spend years creating masks to survive.

We learn to tell people what we think they want to hear.

We learn to hide the things that hurt.

We learn to protect ourselves.

We learn to perform.

We become so accustomed to wearing the mask that eventually we forget it's there.

The Big Book talks about rigorous honesty, and I used to think that meant telling the truth to everyone else.

Today I understand it starts with telling the truth to myself.

I had to become honest about things like:

💔 My drinking.

💔 My fears.

💔 My control issues.

💔 My need for validation.

💔 My resentments.

💔 My codependency.

💔 My expectations of others.

💔 My character defects.

💔 My wounds.

💔 My pain.

And here's the hard part:

Many of those things were operating long before I ever picked up a drink.

Alcohol wasn't my only problem.

Alcohol was often my solution.

The solution I used when I didn't know how to cope with life, feelings, fear, rejection, grief, abandonment, insecurity, or disappointment.

Recovery began when I became willing to stop managing my image and start telling the truth.

Not all at once.

Not to everyone.

But little by little.

One truth at a time.

One meeting at a time.

One inventory at a time.

One prayer at a time.

One conversation at a time.

The women who helped me most were not the women who looked perfect.

They were the women who were honest.

The women who talked about their fears.

The women who admitted when they were struggling.

The women who shared their mistakes.

The women who let me see their humanity.

Their honesty gave me permission to be honest too.

Today, when I read Chapter 5 and it talks about the capacity to be honest, I understand what it means.

Honesty is not something I arrived with.

Honesty is something recovery taught me.

And the beautiful thing is that every truth I tell loses a little of its power to shame me.

Every secret brought into the light loses its ability to control me.

Because we are only as sick as our secrets.

And healing begins where honesty starts.

❤️

Michelle Ann
The Healing Cheff®
Healing Hearts. Restoring Hope. Transforming Lives.

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