IS IT LOVE, OR ARE YOU ADDICTED TO HOW SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL?

What happens when someone occupies so much space in your mind that you slowly begin losing yourself?

There is a psychological term for something many people experience but may not understand. It's called LIMERENCE.

And I find it fascinating because, as a woman in recovery and a student of addiction and human behavior, I am always interested in understanding why we do what we do, especially when our emotions begin making decisions that our better judgment knows we shouldn't be making.

Limerence is an intense emotional fixation on another person. It can feel like love, passion, chemistry, or even a spiritual connection. But underneath those powerful feelings, there can be an unhealthy attachment to the attention, validation, and emotional excitement another person provides.

And here's where it gets interesting.

Sometimes we aren't necessarily addicted to the person. We're attached to how we FEEL when that person gives us attention.

The anticipation of a phone call. The excitement of a message. The conversations that last for hours. The feeling of being wanted, desired, understood, or special.

Then comes the longing when that attention isn't there.

Our brains have reward systems involving dopamine that help reinforce pleasurable experiences. Uncertainty can make those experiences especially compelling. Although limerence isn't medically classified as an addiction, some of its patterns can resemble addictive behavior.

And for someone like me, who understands recovery, that raises an important question.

CAN WE STOP NUMBING OURSELVES WITH ALCOHOL AND STILL FIND OTHER WAYS TO ESCAPE OURSELVES?

Absolutely.

We can become consumed with relationships, attention, fantasy, work, shopping, or simply staying so busy that we never have to sit quietly with ourselves.

But not every intense attraction is limerence, and not every emotional attachment is unhealthy.

The real question is whether that connection is enriching our lives or beginning to interfere with them.

Are we neglecting responsibilities? Losing sleep? Spending hours communicating when we have other priorities? Feeling emotionally unsettled when someone isn't available?

And most importantly, are we slowly abandoning ourselves to maintain a connection with someone else?

SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?

I believe it begins with AWARENESS, followed by DISCIPLINE.

FIRST, WE HAVE TO GET HONEST WITH OURSELVES.

What am I actually seeking from this person? Is it companionship, affection, validation, excitement, or an escape from something I don't want to face?

We cannot change what we refuse to acknowledge.

SECOND, WE NEED HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

Not every phone call needs to be answered. Not every message requires an immediate response. And not every person who wants access to us deserves unlimited access to our time.

Boundaries aren't punishment. They're how we protect the life we're working so hard to build.

THIRD, WE MUST STOP FEEDING THE FANTASY.

Limerence can thrive on uncertainty, imagination, and idealizing another person.

We need to look at the relationship as it actually exists, not what we hope it might eventually become.

Are their actions consistent with their words? Is this relationship available, mutual, and healthy? Or am I emotionally investing in something that cannot realistically give me what I want?

FOURTH, WE HAVE TO LEARN TO REGULATE OUR OWN EMOTIONS.

This is where recovery has taught me so much.

We don't have to act on every feeling. We can experience longing without making a phone call. We can feel uncomfortable without immediately seeking reassurance.

We can sit with ourselves, pray, journal, attend a meeting, connect with healthy friends, and return to the disciplines that support our emotional sobriety.

For persistent, distressing limerence, therapy can also help address intrusive thoughts, attachment patterns, and compulsive behaviors.

FINALLY, WE MUST RETURN TO OURSELVES.

Our goals. Our health. Our friendships. Our purpose. Our spiritual lives. The things that mattered before someone became the center of our attention.

Because here's what I believe.

A HEALTHY CONNECTION SHOULD ADD TO YOUR LIFE, NOT REQUIRE YOU TO DISAPPEAR FROM IT.

And sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is create enough distance to recognize what is actually happening.

Not because the other person is necessarily bad.

Not because our feelings aren't real.

But because our peace, time, and emotional freedom matter too.

MY FINAL THOUGHTS

I've learned that emotional sobriety isn't about never experiencing powerful emotions. It's about learning how to experience them without allowing them to run our lives.

And I think that's where real freedom begins.

When we stop confusing intensity with intimacy, attention with commitment, and longing with love, we give ourselves an opportunity to build relationships grounded in reality rather than fantasy.

So I'll leave you with three questions.

Am I in love with this person, or am I attached to how they make me feel?

Is this connection helping me become more of myself, or am I slowly losing myself in it?

And if I stopped feeding this attachment today, what parts of my own life would I finally have time to nurture?

Because being happy, joyous, and FREE also means having the emotional freedom to choose ourselves.

With love,

Michelle Ann
The Healing Cheff | She Chose Herself 2012

Recover. Reinvent. Rise.

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