✨ ANGER WAS MY ARMOR… UNTIL PEACE BECAME MY POWER ✨

✨ ANGER WAS MY ARMOR… UNTIL PEACE BECAME MY POWER ✨

When I was a little girl, my daddy was a tough man. He taught me to defend myself. He taught me not to let people hurt me or take advantage of me.

Then my daddy died.

And my mother, overwhelmed and struggling herself, told me something that shaped my entire life:

“You don’t have a daddy anymore. You need to fight back. Don’t be stupid. Pay attention. Handle it because there are times I can’t save you. You’ll need to do this yourself, Michelle.”

So I learned to fight. ⚔️

Not just physically.
Emotionally.
Verbally.
Energetically.

I became defensive very young because I truly believed I had to survive.

If someone hurt me, I attacked.
If someone hurt my friends, I defended them.
If someone was unfair, I wanted justice.
If someone hurt my mother, I felt it was my responsibility to protect her.

I became her protector.
I stepped into my father’s role.
I fought battles that never belonged to a child.

I was loud.
Strong.
Reactive.
Angry.
Protective.

I was known as a fighter… and honestly, I prided myself on it. 💥

I thought it made me strong.
I thought it made me untouchable.
I thought if people feared me, they could not hurt me first.

And honestly?
Those survival strategies were needed back then. 💔

Children growing up in chaos, alcoholism, unpredictability, fear, dysfunction, or emotional instability often develop survival mechanisms to stay safe.

Some become people pleasers.
Some become invisible.
Some shut down emotionally.

And some of us become fighters.

I learned that anger gave me power.
Being tough made me feel safer.
Being louder made me feel less afraid.
Control made me feel protected.

When I was away from safety, anger became armor.

Today in *Bill’s Story* on page 20, this part stood out deeply to me:

“God grant us the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 🙏

Then it says:

“We treasure our Serenity Prayer because it brings a new light to us that can dissipate our oldtime nearly fatal habit of fooling ourselves. We again try to overcome adversity by still another bulldozing power drive that can only push up obstacles before us faster than they can be taken down.”

Wow. 😭

That describes so many of us before recovery.

Trying to force life.
Force people.
Force outcomes.
Force healing.
Force relationships.
Force situations to go our way.

Bulldozing through life emotionally. 💥
Reacting.
Controlling.
Pushing harder.
Arguing louder.
Trying to manage everything and everyone because deep down we were terrified things would fall apart if we didn’t.

But the Big Book says this way of living was a “nearly fatal habit of fooling ourselves.”

Why?

Because we thought control was power.
We thought anger was strength.
We thought forcing things meant survival.

But all it really did was create more obstacles.
More chaos.
More exhaustion.
More resentment.
More suffering.

Today, in sobriety and recovery, I’ve had to face a painful truth:

What helped me survive as a child no longer serves me as a healed woman. 🌱

Our Big Book in AA talks about anger and resentments being the number one offender.

And I understand that now.

Because underneath my anger was fear.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of not being protected.
Fear of chaos.
Fear of losing control.
Fear of being unsafe.

I used to rage.
You could hear me yelling down the street.
It took a lot to get me there, but once I hit my boiling point, the balloon exploded.

And honestly…
that version of me was exhausted.

I thought being a fighter meant strength.
But today I know peace is strength.

Today I also understand something beautiful:
Energy itself is not bad.
It is what we do with it that matters. ✨

The same fire that once came out as anger…
I now transmute into purpose.

I alchemize it. 🔥➡️

Instead of using my intensity to destroy, control, rage, or fight…
I use it to help men & women heal.
To speak truth.
To protect peace.
To teach recovery.
To build businesses.
To write.
To cook with love.
To encourage others.
To create safety instead of chaos.

That is alchemy.
Taking pain and turning it into wisdom.
Taking survival and turning it into service.
Taking anger and transforming it into healing energy.

The fire in me did not disappear.
God just taught me how to use it differently.

Today I understand:
It was never my job as a child to protect my mother from my stepfather.
She was the parent.
I was the child.

But alcoholism and dysfunction switch roles in families.

When she drank, I became the protector.
The rescuer.
The fixer.
The defender.

I carried emotions that were never mine to carry.

And eventually those survival patterns followed me into adulthood, relationships, friendships, and life itself.

The Serenity Prayer teaches me something very different today. 

Acceptance is not weakness.
Surrender is not losing.
Peace is not passive.

I cannot control:
• other people
• addiction
• outcomes
• the past
• who stays
• who leaves
• how others behave
• life happening around me

But I CAN change:
• my reactions
• my behaviors
• my honesty
• my healing
• my boundaries
• my willingness
• my relationship with God
• my actions today

That is where peace lives. 🕊️

Today I no longer want to bulldoze my way through life.
I no longer want to force what God may be trying to remove.
I no longer want to fight every battle.

Today anger no longer serves me.
Being a fighter is not peace.

Surrender is.
Acceptance is.
Healing is.
Emotional sobriety is.
Nervous system healing is.
Trauma recovery is.
Peace is. ✨

Today my insides are no longer in knots.

I do not need to scream to be heard.
I do not need rage to feel powerful.
I do not need control to feel safe.

Recovery taught me something beautiful:

I survived.
But now…
I finally want to live in peace. 

Recovery Healing 🌱 Emotional Sobriety ✨ Trauma Healing 🕊️ Nervous System Regulation * Spiritual Growth 🙏 Women in Recovery 🌿 Addiction Recovery ❤️ Mom and Dad this is for you! Love you. 

She Chose Herself 2012
TheHealingCheff.com